my life into a downward spiral...
it is already a week that i have lost something... i noe we live in different life's but it was you the one who told me to stay here.. you told me that we can work things out... i trusted you.. honestly.. the knife that you used to stab my heart is still left there... i really don't know what came up to your mind.. i not blaming you for anything but wasting my time.. you said that if we argue we can make things work.. well.. look what it turned out.. i'm left like that.. without a good-bye or what-so-ever... im really dissapointed.. and if u think my brother is immature.. you should take a good look at yourself... when elena called me when the bombshell happend.. i did not insult your friend.. she protects you so as matt protects me.. you can't make everyone like you.. you can't please the world... if u think u can.. good luck... when i dropped that bombshell.. i took my time to think.. and i did my very best to make it up to you.. i don't expect you to do the same... oh.. and at least i did not leave the thousand needles in your heart like you left that knife in my heart... trust me.. it hurts so fucking bad.. and u noe what? i lost my job.. without pay.. but then again.. i just lost my time here.. i thought i had lost the most.. come to think of it.. you lost the most.. you noe what you lost.. i'm not trying to piss you off, trying to get back at you or i'm the one being pissed.. these are just facts of life that you can never change.. its just dissapointing you know.. if its about making spaggetti.. your dead wrong.. because it was never bt it.. it was about us.. loving each other.. but yea.. it is not a regret.. but a lost.. and now if u were in my shoes.. u will be dead.. no job, no life.. but.. i have my friends around that took care of me.. Love You btw..
like a knife stabed through my heart and left there..
sometimes i don't know what to write when i come to this page... my mind is blank and i can't seem to think... i miss her so much... they said that love cannot be seen if even touched... it only can be felt with the heart.. but they never said how much it would hurt.. i never imagine how much it could hurt... its so painful.. till you end up lost... you tear.. every nite before you sleep.. before you go to bed.. sometimes you wished that you can just pull youself through.. but i do not and never will regret anything that had happend... you also try to distract myself... but it doesnt work... you would just want to hold that someone close to you... that someone that loves you.. that touched your heart.. that was there for you no matter what.. but to make her happy.. would you do anything? i noe i would.. although i don't agree to it.. but i respected it no matter what.. even i wanted not to agree to it.. and btw..i found this song along the way.. Tim Mcgraw feat. Faith HillIt's Your LoveDancing in the dawn, middle of the nightTakin' your heart and holding it tightEmotional touch, touching my skinAnd asking you to do what you've been doing all over againOh it's a beautiful thing, don't think I can keep it all inI just gotta let you know what it is that won't let me goIt's your loveIt just does something to me It sends a shock right through me I can't get enough And if you wonder About the spell I'm underIt's your loveBetter than I was, more than I amAnd all of this happened by taking your handAnd who I am now is who I wanted to beAnd now that we're togetherI'm stronger than ever I'm happy and freeIt's your loveIt just does something to meIt sends a shock right through me I can't get enough And if you wonder About the spell I'm under It's your love
title-less
the reason why this i title-less is because i can't think... yesterday was hell for me.. until now i'm still lost.. thinking what to do.. honestly.. i always found a way out from everything that overcame me.. but now.. its different.. i sat down on my bed just tearing.. all i can think of is my baby.. that i need her so much... i wanted to scream my lungs out... hoping that she will hear me.. i noe sometimes i ask too much.. i doubted you.. and im not understanding... i'm sorry.. but its sometimes its really hard holding it in... im not the perfect boyfriend... but u noe that i love you with all my heart.. i care for you so much.. is karma getting back at me for what i did to you 3 months ago...? i think so... it bit me so hard.. it hurts so much that i'm so lost... i wanted to run away... never come back.. but that will make me a coward... so yea.. hu do i go to baby? when im so damn fustrated? who do i go to when i wanna scream my lungs out? who do i go to when i'm having a bad day? someone to comfort me.. and cheer me up... and make my day go well... hu is gnn make me laugh and call me silly names? i think that someone that i love so much did all of those for me...
Thoughts, truth and lies..
on saturday 10.35p.m. right after i got home from work.. sha msg me saying that kristen's mum have passed away.. it was quite a shock.. me and matt went to her place... i stayed over and went to work the next day... the thing is kristen is like 16 turnin 17 and has a little bro who is like 12.. they have lost their mom.. i used to think that i can take care of myself.. i didn't give a fuck if i'd died cause of lung cancer of whatever.. but to actually think of it very carefully... i do have alot to lose.. that i'm so damn afraid to die.. but if it's god's will then i can't say shit.. i haven't live my life the way i wanted it... and if i did lose my mom.. i dunno what would i do.. my dad is already old and i'm not even sure if he is ok... a few months ago.. he fainted in church.. when my mom told me.. it just turned my whole world into a downward spiral.. though me and him fight alot.. but knowing he had sacrifice so much for me.. i dunno what i'll do... and so i went to her mummy's funeral yesterday with sha, triff, ivan, aaron and baby... I noe that i should not lie bout myself that i can take care of myself.. true enough i can.. but i can't... not with anybody around.. even my parent, friends, family, girlfriend give me headeches.. but i really do need then so much... am i dependent? yes.. i am.. sadly... Time already flew so fast.. and now its almost end of 2006... i'm already heading to US after new year... and yea... the smallest things i want sometimes its like trying to get pandora's box or trying to touch and get a piece of heaven above.. i don't have much time left... my baby is gonna have her spm.. and she has so many plans during the hols.. and it's almost impossible to slot me in.. i don't blame her.. really... but it's really hard sometimes.. that u just wanna be with that special someone you love so much... but you can't... but i'm bearing with it.. it's not really a burden... but i guess i have to get used to it... cause i want to be with her.. and i really need her around..when i was going out with other girls... i never knew how it felt like when u can't slot them in to spend time with them.. they just really want to spend time with you.. but u can't slot them in cause of dota or friends.. now i know what it is like.. it feels like hell.. sometimes i miss her so much.. that it kills me.. slowy and slowy.. till tears even start rolling down... but no matter what.. i do really love her... Come to think of it... i am a professional hairstylist.. FINALLY!! 8 months in a cut above.. and now in chezz technique.. the people there are nice.. seriously.. but kinda stuck cause they speak in cantonese.. and my cantonese is kinda bad.. i understand though.. but cant reply... is hairstyling the thing i wanna do for the rest of my life? gosh.. i dunno.. im only 16.. and yea... i'd like to do it.. but i still wanna find out.. is there anything else in the world that i can do for a living.. i am a car freak.. i can just stare at it... thats why i have to go to US.. for college... or maybe i find out that i can do something else.. you'll never know rite? yea... they are always so many things on my mind.. 5 years from now.. where would i be? that is for god to know and for me to find out...
truth?
you know i wouldn't hurt you again,you know i need you so much,you know that life wouldn't mean much without you,you know you should trust me now and then,i'm not that person you used to know anymore,i'm not gonna do what i did to you last time,i'm that someone that loves you with all his heart,i'm that someone that thinks about you every second,will i still love you if i left?will i go that extra mile for you?will i sacrifice so much for you?will i do whatever i can to spend time with you?you know the answer.. i don't think i need to question that.. i love you and that is all that matters..
is god trying to kill me or is karma biting me?
yea... i had a massive arguement with my baby... so yea... was all emo... but now i'm ok i guess.. sometimes i really just wanna scream god can u pls help me... i really need his help... maybe its karma gettin back at me for what i did to my baby 3 months ago... well... what the fuck... it can throw whateva it wants... but its not gnn change anything... i love my baby and nothing is ggn change that.. i dun care if i have to go through hell just to see her... **babe.. i promise things are gnn be ok.. i noe we have been argueing alot... but sometimes its really hard.. cause u wanna see someone you love so badly.. i noe mummy and u have to work hard so that u can get a good future... as much as i wanna stop you.. but i can't.. i reason why i din leave is because i love you so much... and i cant leave you... i need you babe... i stayed so that i can be with you until u leave... i wan to be here for u babe... i'm not willing to leave u now... hmmm... still at the end of the day... u noe that i love u so damn much... we'll figure things out like we always do... i love love u oh so ever so much babe.. kiss!!kiss!!
free your mind...
yeah... im in mmo now as usual... i just saw my baby and sandy... matt is here with me now... its was really nice seeing her though... its kinda a lil pissing off when someone doesnt want me there... to let you noe.. i was about to think ur changing and that your okay... but after today... i dunno le... i dunno wheather ur trying to get anybody's attention or what.... i dun care... but i dun spend time with her much... im gnn start working next week and im leaving on january... i dun wanna judge u or anything... but please... anyways... yesterday i was in mid valley looking for a job... i met up with sher, sammie, wen d and nik... had lunch in chilli's and then off to telawi for wen d and nik's hair do... yea... i got a job in dry cut.. and i was like.. that was fast... yea... so i start this friday... yeap.. then we were off to sammie's place.. and watch the covernant... fucking nice weih... and then off to maizon... not even 15 minutes and sher, sammie were gone... fucking drunk weih... ahahaha... but the nite was alrite...
.jpg)
